Official Enviroklenz Affiliate! MCS-approved Cleaning Products

Hey guys! I’ve talked before about how much I love Enviroklenz, and I’m still using their laundry products and air filters every day. You can read my thoughts in-depth by clicking here.

If you’re interested in getting some of these environmental protection products for yourself, and supporting this blog at the same time, I now have a handy button at the bottom of every page on this site! When you order using that button, I get a little commission and every little bit helps me keep this blog up for you guys. Plus you get some great, safe cleaning products for yourself. Using stuff like this helps lighten the day to day chemical load you put on your body, which lowers your chances of MCS and other chemical reactions and helps keep you healthy.

I’m also going to put a couple of big banners in this post since we’re here and they’re cool.

air purifier for allergies

Ya need to clean anyway right? Plus, you know that I wouldn’t put a permanent button on this website for any product I didn’t believe in and use myself. I’m not going to sell out on you guys – this button is really here for you. I hate shopping for cleaning stuff. I read the labels to try and be informed and usually can’t find a single thing with little to no harmful chemicals and fragrances. I don’t have MCS or eczema (if you do then you probably already use things like these) but I’ve always been sensitive to fragrances products, especially laundry stuff. So yes, I really am using this and it really has helped me.

I promise to stop talking your ear off about it now! Just know that handy button will always be down there just for you the next time you need cleaners or air purifier stuff.

Love you all! And OF COURSE don’t forget to make a rage comic and enter the #spoonieragecomiccontest! It’s free and there’s prizes! Go go go!

Doing What You Can Even When It Seems Too Small

There’s all kinds of things wrong with the world, and everyone has some issue that they get fired up about. Recently, the Women’s March made waves around the world.

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And lots of women were out there marching for lots of different issues. Pro-choice, Pro-life, women demanding equal pay, women demanding a safer world, women standing with Standing Rock, women who won’t tolerate being talked about they way certain Presidents talk… almost any issue you can think of.

BEN GARVER — THE BERKSHIRE EAGLE  A sign carried in the Washington DC Women's March was delivered by Paul Johansen to the Shire  City Sanctuary for Febuary exhibit of art from the women's marches.

This was a march for like…everything. It seemed like every issue that people get fired up about was represented, even both sides of arguments showed up. Pro-lifers were marching right along with pro-choicers. Yet there were still some who just couldn’t find an issue to cheer for, so they protested protesting!

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But all of these people all over the world with all these views have something in common. They all went through a series of universally human steps:

  1. They felt a fire in their belly about something.
  2. They made up their mind to take action towards real change.
  3. They took whatever action they could think of.

Take me, for instance. I was diagnosed with endometriosis as a high school senior, but it wasn’t until my senior year of college that I started feeling the fire in my belly for health activism. At the time, I didn’t know a word for it, but it was health activism. I saw the discrimination of myself and others who don’t “look” sick, and were written off as liars, party girls, drug addicts, or attention-seekers.

Once the fire in my belly got hot enough, I reached step two: I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

I cannot accept the way things are. I know that people can learn. I want to teach them. I want them to learn the science of these illnesses and health in general! Health education is so, so lacking in America. I can tell you exactly how a plant uses water and sunlight to create energy and grow and what makes a plant healthy or unhealthy, but I graduated without even knowing what all my lady parts are even for and how diet can drastically affect how your body functions. As Trump would say, “SAD!”

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But here’s the kicker. Everyone everywhere has gone through steps one and two, but so many people give up before step three. Why? It’s not because the fire has gone out. It’s because any action we can think to take often seems too small. I’m just one person. I’m not a politician, I can’t control laws. I’m not an educator, I can’t change what people learn in school. I’m not a doctor, I can’t cure people. I’m just one sick person. There’s nothing I can do.

Either that, or we reject the ideas we do have. I could start a fundraiser, but it would annoy my friends and family. I could protest, but what if I’m alone? I could donate money, but where does it go and what does it do? I could write things on the internet, but literally everyone does that and it would be a drop in the ocean.

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I decided to go for it. What could I think to do? Well, I was a creative writing major. I could write something – what? A blog. Because it’s free and (in theory) the whole world could read it. Could. Probably wouldn’t, but it was possible. And what about my school? The discrimination that put a fire in my belly all happened at my university. I needed those students, specifically, to read what I had to say.

How? I decided to make posters. Just black and white, 8 1/2 by 11, self-printed posters.

do i look sick invisible illness awareness

Aww look at my old url. Anyway, I posted these all over campus, occasionally getting scolded, and feeling quite sure no one would ever read them or my blog but whatever. Like I said, I had to do something.

I got an email from an anonymous person thanking me for bringing this issue forward, but it was one out of the dozen or so emails I got telling me to please stop so it seemed like not a lot. But then a really crazy thing happened – a girl stopped me on campus and said “I recognize you… you’re on those posters!”

We ended up having a seat on a bench and talking for upwards of thirty minutes. She had a bone marrow disease (I wish I could remember exactly what) and had struggled so much with faculty and other students not believing how sick she was. She was vibrant and full of life and of course, didn’t look sick. She told me that seeing the posters made her feel less alone. And she thanked me.

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So this one little thing that I was sure would make no difference… made a difference. This dumb thing that was the only thing I could think to do actually did something. What I thought would be too small to notice was noticed.

I did what I could and it made a small difference.

I did what I could and it was worth doing.

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Nowadays, I’m still pretty sure everything I do for this fire in my belly is too small. Womens’ healthcare costs remain high (LORDT that is always on my mind) and we have some lawmakers now making things harder. People still post hateful notes on cars parked in the handicapped spot if they’re driven by a healthy-looking individual. This blog has won some awards, but I get about 50 views a day, post super irregularly, and still get a lot of hits from people looking for info on David Bowie.

Most days, this feels too small to be worth doing.

But occasionally I get someone thanking me and telling me how much it’s meant. And I have to think that for every person who says something, there must be more people who don’t speak up, but who glean something from this. And hey, I even had the head of the UNT disability office call me to chat and make sure they were doing all they could for their students.

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So just know that even if it seems too small, do it. Do it for the fire in your belly, do it for yourself, and do it for the world. Think of how much better a place the world would be if everyone did what they could!

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Job 16: On Comforting Friends in Hard Times

I try to read the Bible every night (though this has really fallen through since Baby arrived) ((same with posting here on a regular basis)) (((you might have noticed))). And something in the book of Job really stood out to me.

If you have a chronic illness, physical or mental, you’ve probably had well-meaning friends try to offer advice on how to get better. And you’ve probably heard it at just the wrong moment or in just the wrong way, and felt hurt or annoyed. You, after all, live with this every day. Don’t they know you’ve done research and tried lots of things? Don’t they know you’re trying to get better? Why can’t they just listen and comfort you in these hard times?

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Job did have a sort of illness – he was covered in painful skin sores. But that’s really the least of his many problems. See, Job was a good guy. But Satan argued to God that Job was only good and faithful because he had a comfortable life. So God allowed Satan to rough Job up a bit to prove he would remain faithful. Job lost his children, all his worldly possessions, and his health in one day. And he wasn’t all “God giveth and taketh away” about it either – he was sad, and he was pissed! Most of the book of Job is him cursing the day he was born, yelling at God, and yelling at his friends.

And that brings us back around to where I started – well-meaning friends. What did Job’s friends have to say?

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Well, they tried to figure out what Job did to deserve this. I mean he must have done something bad, right? Clearly this was a punishment. Victim-blaming is as old as the Old Testament. Have you had anyone suggest that you somehow brought your chronic illness on yourself?

They also hypothesize that Job’s dead children probably brought their deaths upon themselves, and say that Job’s lucky his punishment wasn’t worse because he probably deserved something much harsher. Thanks guys! Very helpful.

So here’s the verse that stood out to me:

“I also could speak like you,
    if you were in my place;
I could make fine speeches against you
    and shake my head at you.
But my mouth would encourage you;
    comfort from my lips would bring you relief.

Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved;
    and if I refrain, it does not go away.

Surely, God, you have worn me out.”

-Job 16:4-7

I’m sure we’ve all wondered what we would say to someone with our illness if we were healthy and had never experienced it. We all hope we’d refrain from offering that well-meaning advice about what they should or should not have done to get themselves into that situation. We hope we wouldn’t “make fine speeches” or “shake our heads.” We hope we would encourage them and comfort them. But there’s no way to know.

And I’m sure there have been many times when you thought “if I speak, my pain is not relieved, and if I refrain, it does not go away.” Blogging feels that way sometimes. Here, I try to offer comfort, encouragement, and catharsis. But does it make me better? Does it matter at all?

You Make Me Tired

“God, you have worn me out!”

Well, back to Job’s story. After arguing with his pals for a while, yet another well-meaning friend arrives with even more tsk tsks and unhelpful advice. And Job is wondering out loud about life, the universe, and everything between occasional outbursts and his freaking annoying friends. But he never says “God, I hate you!” or “There must not be a God!” or anything accusatory. He cries out to God about how hurt he is, how angry, and how sad. But he passes Satan’s test.

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And while he’s tearing his clothes and crying and yelling and his friends are still trying to explain how he kind of deserves all this, God literally parts the sky and goes “SHUT UP, YOU GUYS ARE THE ACTUAL WORST.” Then he takes Job aside and asks him some rhetorical questions, using them like a kind father to explain how little Job understands about life, the universe, and everything. Job agrees, and again, never says anything like “well if I were God…” or “I don’t think the universe should be this way!” He simply acknowledges that he is small and knows little.

The God goes back to Job’s well-meaning friends and is about to really let them have it, but Job jumps in and says hey, they’re also dumb little humans. And he can’t hold that against them, and he asks God not to hold it against them either.

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So here’s two things to take from this:

If you have well-meaning friends who have tried to tell you you’re not working hard enough to get better, or that you wouldn’t be sick if you hadn’t x, y, or z, remember that they’re just dumb little humans. Think of life, the universe, and everything that you don’t understand, and empathize with their stupidity and ignorance.

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And also remember that God empathizes with you. Any moment he might be ready to open the sky and really tell those well-meaning people off. He feels your feels.

And if you’re not of the Christian disposition, I hope you take something from this story as well. You’re not alone. These well-meaners are as old as the mountains, and generations upon generations have had to deal with this crap. You don’t understand everything either, and all us humans just have to muddle through life, the universe, and everything together.

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I’m going to end this with the benediction my church ends each service with, because I think it’s a beautiful blessing to send someone off with.

“May the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord look upon you with His favor, and give you His peace.”

Men’s Health: Advice from One Man At the End of His Life

A few years ago, my husband’s grandfather passed away. I’m blessed to have all my grandparents with me today, and for me, it was my first experience with Parkinsons, cancer, and nursing homes. I didn’t know Grandpa Melvin all that well or all that long because he lived out of state, but he made my wedding ring, and I got to spend a good amount of time with him towards the end of his days. 

It’s fascinating to speak with someone at the end of a long, full life. He asked all about his grandsons’ daily lives, school, and jobs, offering occasional encouragement or advice. He didn’t speak about himself as much. He and his grandsons aren’t terribly touchy-feely types. My husband is definitely the “sappiest” of the bunch. But Grandpa Melvin did offer a few moments of earnest heart to heart, with perhaps even a tear or two sneaking in there.

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Grandpa Melvin was very sick, not only with Parkinsons but also cancer. We asked how he was doing health wise each day and he always told us in the regular way folks talk to each other – how he felt, if eating and sleeping were going well or poorly, how well he was getting around, etc. That is to say, not in medical terms. So I can’t really tell you specifics on his medical condition. But I will tell you what he told us.

One of his final wishes to my husband was “get checked out.”  I’ll paraphrase, but here’s the gist of what he said. “Go to the doctor. Get checkups. Do the embarrassing stuff. It’s one of those things people know they should do but they don’t always. Staying healthy is important. I’m not worried about myself, but when you’re old, you’re sad for your kids and your grandkids. You should do it for them.”

That was one of the last pieces of advice this man left for his grandson, but I wanted to share it because it’s good advice for all men. I have endometriosis and PCOS – this blog talks a lot about women’s health. But statistically, women are 24% more likely to see a doctor regularly. We go to the “lady doctor,” there’s tons of press on screening for breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and women are constantly proven more likely to seek medical care for illness than men.

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Well, today I’m going to do my part and use my health blog to not only broadcast one man’s advice, but give you guys some idea of what kind of routine care you need.

1.) The “Embarrassing Stuff.”

Screening for prostate cancer and colon cancer – aka letting a doctor check out your butt. Look, it doesn’t sound fun I admit, but again, ladies’ regular visits to the “lady doctor” are way more invasive and way less stigmatized. What is up with that? I think a lot of it is due to those pink ribbons and awareness months dedicated to breast and cervical cancer. But guys are dying of cancer too! Lucky for them, they have just as much screening available. Go get checked. Survival rates are high when cancers like this are caught early. Prostate cancer is the most frequently diagnosed cancer in the US today. And to anyone who says to skip it because of false positives – I say risking a false positive doesn’t outweigh missing the cancer.

-Men Everywhere

-Men Everywhere

Starting at age 40, prostate exams are recommended regularly (once a year, calm down). Colon cancer screenings are usually done starting at age 50. If you’re under 40, keeping up with yearly physical checkups and seeing a doctor for any illness or abnormality is the best thing you can do. Your primary care doctor will be able to recommend a cancer screening on a case by case basis if you need one.

2.) The “Boring Stuff.”

Blood pressure and cholesterol levels – aka a chore. Most men report that the reason they don’t get a yearly checkup is that “they don’t have time.” I can’t fault you there – going to the doctor, having them squeeze your arm, and hearing “your blood pressure’s good” is basically white noise. It is to me too. Even when I’m in the ER I pretty much never care what their puffy air sleeve has to say. And having blood drawn and receiving a postcard in the mail a few weeks later that says “normal” is less than thrilling. It doesn’t feel like you’re really doing anything for your health. There’s been once or twice that my cholesterol levels have been high. I got a postcard with a stamp on it that said “eat healthy” with a smiley face.

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Oh boy, glad I took the time to get that gem of advice!

But in all seriousness, monitoring these things long term is invaluable data if anything ever goes wrong, and a great general measure of overall health. A general physical exam complete with hitting your knee with a tiny hammer may seem awfully quick and like there’s no way any useful info could come from it, but look at it with optimism. It’s quick and easy and  non-invasive- staying healthy is SO EASY GUYS! So a yearly checkup is kind of a chore? So what? It’s a ONCE A YEAR chore. It’s easier than cleaning the gutters. And you do it for your family. So just go.

Yearly checkups are reccomended for ages 2 – 200. So yeah, JUST GO.

3.) Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

This one is simultaneously the easiest and the hardest of all. The easy part is keeping an eye on yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror each day. Was that freckle always there? Did that mole get bigger? Here’s the hard part – GO TO THE DOCTOR WHEN SOMETHING’S UP. You know yourself better than anyone. Are you more tired than you should be? Are you moodier than usual? Yeah, if you’re having trouble keeping your temper or getting up in the morning, you might mention it to someone. If there’s a “weird thing” on your skin, go show a doctor. Don’t be the guy who gets asked “hey, what’s that spot on your arm?” and answers “yeah I dunno, I saw it last month and since then it’s gotten twice as big but I dunno.”

Sometimes, you may not be the best judge of yourself. If you’re not sure you should see a doctor, ask friends and family. Do I seem overtired lately? Have I been myself lately? If there’s a spot on your skin that you’re honestly not sure is new, ask your significant other. Don’t have one? Ask your parents. No, get out of here with your “gross that’s embarrassing,” your parents wiped your butt. I have a son now. He’s reached into his diaper and rubbed poop all over himself and me. I have gotten in the shower with him while we were both fully clothed and peeled poopy clothes off layer by layer until we were two slippery poopy naked people crying in the shower together. I’m not going to make fun of him if he has a weird spot on his lower back when he’s 27. Your parents have seen your lower back, they’ll know if something’s new.

Parents: They Already Know You're Gross

Parents: They Already Know You’re Gross

And here’s some good advice for all genders. Do you live with someone? I don’t care what their relationship is to you. Every now and then look at them while they’re reading or cooking or catching pokemon. Look at their shoulders and back – places they don’t see well. Glance over them every few days. If you see a new freckle pop up, let them know. Why not? If it’s kind of weird but saves their life, good on you!

This section’s getting long but it’s gonna get longer because I know two men who almost died and didn’t because they had a doctor look at the weird thing on their skin. One of my friends is a tennis player and photographer – he spends a lot of time outside. He got a new freckle on his back. He got it tested. It was skin cancer. Now there’s a chunk missing from his back and he’s cancer free – but if he saw it and thought “eh, people get freckles from the sun right?” and went on with life, he might not be here today. This boy is younger than me. I don’t like burying people younger than me.

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Exhibit B: my dad. He got a weird blood blister on his palm. We joked that he had a stigmata. He got a weird cold and fever that wouldn’t go away. He could have gone “oh, it’s a cold, who cares. I’d rather rest at home than spend a day at a clinic.” He could have thought “huh this blood blister’s weird” like I think most people would. But he went to the clinic. They weren’t helpful at all. He could have gone “I’m not wasting my time with doctors anymore, it’s just a cold. And a weird blister.” But he went to his primary care doctor. They never did figure out what was up. I guess it was just a bad cold. And a weird blood blister. But while they were running tests, they discovered his aorta was enlarged and ripping. The doctor preformed what he described as “a rare surgery” on him – because this is a condition that is usually discovered in a dead person. A few more days of thinking he’d “wait it out and see if this cold goes away” and he literally would have died.

Even if you don’t get answers or it turns out to be nothing, a trip to the doctor is not a waste of time.

So this is me saying to ALL of you, but men in particular because you seem to need to hear it: go to the doctor. Let it be a boring chore and be thankful each time you go home feeling like it was a boring chore. Families like saying “well thank god he went to a doctor!” a lot more than getting diagnoses from an autopsy.

Yup, it just got dramatic all up in here. But the title did promise deathbed wishes. Sometimes you’ve got to get serious about serious business. So send this to someone you love and who needs a loving smack upside the head.

To my sweet dear husband who as of yesterday I’ve been married to for six years: let’s call and schedule you a checkup.

xoxo

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Works Cited and Further Reading:

Six Routine Screenings for Men’s Health – Everyday Health

Health Care Access and Utilization in Young Adults – The CDC

Check Ups and Screening Guidelines for Men – Men’s Health Network

Men: Stay Healthy at Any Age – Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality

Anxiety? OCD? Or is Everyone This Weird?

It’s time I told you I’m crazy.

When my gastroenterologist diagnosed me with IBS, he said it was anxiety-based and I was put on zoloft. That’s the closest I’ve come to a diagnosis on my mental health. A long time ago I was screened by a psychologist and diagnosed with some temporary teenage form of depression. We stopped going and I never heard much about it in the first place. And here I am, on zoloft (because one does not simply ‘quit’ zoloft) with no real diagnosis or idea if I have a mental illness or if I’m just a little uptight.

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Sometimes I read things online about depression, anxiety, OCD, or even autism, and think “hey that sounds like me, weird.”  There are some bizarre things I do all day every day. Why write about them? Well for one thing, I like doing them and people seem to find it interesting. Some people even seem interested in implementing my “systems” or rituals into their life in a much less obsessive/extreme way. Plus I’d like to know– do you do this too?

There are two major “systems” in my life. I’ll start with the smaller one: my clothes system. I started doing this as a child and refined it over time. It began as me organizing my clothes in a particular way. It’s hard to explain, but it has to do with randomization and color. I’d choose something like a book or poster with colors on it and order my clothes according to it… let’s say I was using an image of a rainbow (which I never did because randomization is a big part of this, but for the sake of example):

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I’d hang up (or stack folded clothes) like this: A red shirt, then one with orange on it, then yellow, green, blue, dark blue, purple, and then white for the clouds. Then I’d choose another image and keep going (I do this to organize other things too, like movies or our toy displays…). But I had trouble keeping them in order because my mom would put away laundry for me sometimes or I’d forget where I was in the “line” or I’d need to wear something specific one day. Over time I refined my system. I’d put a penny inside the folded shirt I wanted to wear next, stacking newly washed clothes on top to await integration into the “system” until I reached the end of the stack. I also alternated between stacks in the drawers and the hanging clothes. I marked my spot in the closet by simply keeping my extra hangers between the new clothes and the “ordered” clothes. My pants are a separate, more flexible system not organized by anything really, just hung up in whatever order they’re washed and separated by not yet worn and worn once or twice before it’s time to wash them. I even have a very rudimentary organizational system for my underwear?

WHY? I’m sure you’re asking. I don’t actually know. It’s not like there was a day I decided to do this, it happened over time. My mom was bewildered to find pennies sprinkled throughout my drawers and she can’t believe I still do it as an adult in my own house. I remember that my mom encouraged me to lay out my clothes for the next day before I went to bed, and I remember that I hated doing that. It really stressed me out. I guess this is my elaborate response to that stress – now I just get up and put on whatever is next. If it’s inappropriate for the occasion or I need to wear something specific, I don’t mind breaking the system. For just one day I mean.

It has a lot of pros. For one thing, it has a similar effect to this cleaning tip:

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When a shirt/dress comes up in the system that I don’t want to wear, I question why that is and usually decide it’s time to let that item go.

Cons? Well…mostly just that it’s a crazy thing that no one does.

But that was the tamer of my two systems.

Get ready folks.

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We’re going down the rabbit hole.

Everything I ever do is governed by a system. I have a list that takes up about one page of a word document. On it are items like this:

  • Work on Writing Script A
  • Work on Writing Script B
  • Blog Post
  • Clean House
  • Laundry
  • Manage Billing/Freelance Work

and items like this:

  • Watch a Movie
  • Netflix
  • Read
  • Video Games

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ect. ect. basically everything I ever want to do, work or hobby or laziness or practicality. Things like “eating” and “sleeping” are not on the list.

This is my time management tool. There are “fun” things and “lazy” things and “project” type things and “chore” things all mixed up. Using a random number method (I used to draw from a deck of playing cards – now I use a 12-sided dice) I count down from the last thing I spent time doing and do whatever is next, giving each day a (hopefully) fair mix of “fun” and “work.” I roll the dice for things like eating and sleeping too – whatever comes up on the list at bedtime I trade for “sleep,” same for mealtimes. I roll the dice and count down the list to what’s next – say, reading – and instead of reading I eat dinner. Yes, this does mean sometimes I miss meals in favor of doing something on the list, and sometimes I stay up late to do something on the list. Those are cons.

But the pros far outweigh them. For one thing, I’m always steadily making progress on my goals – writing stories, working on my blog, watching through TV shows on Netflix, and reading good books. I don’t feel bad when I take “me time” because it’s all structured. And I never feel “bored” or like I have nothing to do.

The biggest downside really is when I have to break the system for something like the holidays. Around Christmas, for instance, there’s too much to do to stay on the list system. So I have to go commando for a few days before I re-randomize the order of the list and start again. It’s usually fine. But having this ritual of looking at the list and counting throughout the day helps keep me calm and focused. Sometimes to my detriment – it can really annoy my husband when I get bent on doing something because “it’s on the list” when he wants me doing something else. I try to be flexible and “trade” tasks for whatever he wants to do or if I need to go in to work or something like that. But it can be annoying. I understand. BECAUSE IT’S FREAKING BIZARRE. But this is my life.

This one also started when I was a kid. Initially, I had four different colored balls. Yellow for “chore,” pink for “projects,” blue for “relaxing,” and green for “fun.” I mixed them up in different orders and made sure to do one thing for each category each day. But this spiraled into listmaking: I made a list of all the movies we owned so I could watch all of them before repeating viewings. Stuff like that. Then when I was a teenager I inexplicably became a morning person: I woke up at around 4 each day and I had a little box of tiny ripped up pieces of paper with my “morning routine” on them: this included writing my daily xanga blog post, enjoying a cup of tea, and even taking naps in between getting dressed, eating breakfast, and packing my things for school.

I DON’T KNOW WHY.

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I definitely didn’t STAY a morning person.

Then, around the time I got a computer, I was taking an interest in filmmaking and screenwriting. I wanted to film stuff and write stuff, but when I wasn’t at school or at marching band practice, I felt overwhelmed. I needed to do homework and practice colorguard, but I wanted to study film and write scripts too. And having so much to do usually made me freeze up and not do anything.

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And so, The List in it’s current form was born.

So I guess now that I’ve written it all out, it does seem like there was some level of problem-solving going on here. But why am I such a spaz that I solve problems in the most random, round-about way possible? I don’t think I’ve properly explained either of my “systems” but even if I could, it’d probably still sound like mad ravings of a seriously anxious person.

Which I guess they are.

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I don’t need to flip the lights on and off to keep my family from dying or anything, but at least that sounds crazy enough that you’d feel sympathetic – clearly that person can’t help but be that way. But me? I can get off my systems, bend them, and change them. I seem perfectly capable of living like a normal human, but for some reason I chose this.

My sister is terrible at making choices. She’ll ask us all what she should do or wear or say, take votes, then ask if we’re really really sure. I think I have the same issue, but instead of finding someone to make my choices for me, I chose… randomizing.

Like a crazy person.

Anyway, I don’t feel bad staying on zoloft without a “real” diagnosis. I’m pretty sure I need it.

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