I’ve been extremely depressed these past few days. I’ve been feeling very sick, and questioning why God is letting this happen to me. I thought maybe I could get pregnant right after my surgery earlier this year, but when that didn’t happen and I got sick again and felt very bitter. I could have had a family, AND a cure. What better plan could God possibly have? I got on my knees and begged – at first, for a baby, and later, for anything. A relenting of symptoms, a plan, a clue about why this was happening, ANYTHING.
I recently discovered the movie Mary Poppins. As a kid, I found it dull. I really “saw” it for the first time in college. I was shocked. This film was…..I don’t know what it was. It was so deep, so meaningful, so complex yet simple… I have truly never seen anything like it. Through this movie, I gained so much understanding about parenting, my own parents (particularly my father), and kindness.
Kindness is the moral of the film, summed up in the masterpiece of a song “Feed the Birds.” It costs nothing to be kind. It was Walt Disney’s favorite song of all time. They played it when they dedicated the “Partners” statue at Disneyland, and while we were there we sang it for him at that same statue.
So when I was having a particularly bad day, I decided to watch it again. And “Feed the Birds” made me cry like it always did.
So I prayed to God to “Feed the Birds.” I told Him it would cost Him nothing to be kind.
And for a while, I felt he did not answer me.
Today, something crazy happened. I thought my cat had somehow gotten stuck outside and was crying. I was amazed to find an adorable calico kitten in the backyard. I tried to catch it but it got away.
I came back into the house. I was shaking all over, and as usual, this one very small thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I cried pathetically. I just broke down. My sweet husband held me and didn’t make fun of me while I wailed that I thought God sent me that little baby, and now it was gone.
I stood at the back door watching and crying. It didn’t come back.
I sat down and attempted to keep working on another post I was writing. That post is for another day. I couldn’t concentrate on it at all. I felt hurty and sick and angry. And I knew I wasn’t going to feel better. So I decided to go for a walk, half to burn off steam, and half in hopes of finding the kitten.
Which I did. She (calicos are girls – there’s your genetics lesson for the day) was curled up in a bush shivering. She hissed and ran, and after another chase I caught my tiger by the toe.
Now she’s in a box in the kitchen. My dog is very interested in her. My cat is unimpressed but won’t get mad as long as she has to stay in a box (haha sucka). She is ANGRY. It sounds like we have a snake in there rather than a kitten. I don’t think she has a home because she’s extremely dirty – she even has dirt in her mouth.
I feel like God did “Feed the Birds.” Maybe it’s not time for me to understand why all these bad things happen. Maybe it’s not time for me to feel better physically. But weather I only keep this kitten safe for a few days before someone claims it, or if it stays forever, God sent me a little baby to love. God is always good. I don’t always get it. I get mad at him a lot. But I’m wrong. I’m so thankful for this little ball of hissing.
She’s exactly like me.
Here I am trying to get her out of the cold, and she screams and hisses the whole time. She bit me and scratched me. She ran away from me. I gave her food and shelter and a warm blanket and her only response is incessant hissing and anger. But that’s okay. I understand that she’s scared.
I think God understands too.