I hope that you all checked out my post about Chris at First Baptist Denton, because this post will be a little riff on that whole issue.
As I mentioned, Chris often accused my illness as being either faked or “not that bad” and suggested that the real reason I’d ask Hubby to miss work was that I was being selfish. He accused me of “not caring about Hubby’s job” despite the fact that I volunteered my time and talents repeatedly. His questions and accusations all hinted at the question:
“Are you sure she’s sick? Are you sure she’s not just selfish?”
That made me mad. I had sacrificed time and energy, which I don’t always have a lot of, to help him out. But all he saw was laziness.
That was nothing compared to what happened to me this weekend.
Hubby’s sudden job loss gave our calendar a sudden opening, which caused his family to suddenly assume we were suddenly driving out to Oklahoma for the family reunion all of a sudden. SUDDENLY!
So…sure. I mean yeah, I’ve had this flu thing all week and sure, I was looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing over the weekend while I get over the last bit of this illness. But I mean it’s family, and it’s important, and so yeah, we’ll go.
Well, on Friday night I was hit with a fever again, and I had awful body aches. I was nauseous. And I was panicking. Hubby made us a pallet on the floor and we watched TV for hours while I popped different pills and hoped ANYTHING would make me feel better. But even though I felt terrible, I enjoyed being cuddled up with my “dish” and just feeling loved and taken care of.
But then SUDDENLY everything started sucking.
The next morning I had a very groggy, slow start. I was exhausted and needed sleep. My dish was being very pushy, insisting I get up and eat food PRONTO. I know eating food is important, but I remembered what my pal Tosha from bottledtime told me about how your body does a lot of healing when its sleeping. Listening to my body, I knew it needed sleep more than food. But my dish seemed really, REALLY upset by this.
Eventually I got up, we got packed, and made our way to Oklahoma against all my better judgment. I didn’t really feel up to the trip, but I knew it was important to Hubby. We had just crossed the border when I started feeling not so good, so we pulled off at a McDonalds for me to recover a bit. When I felt ready to go, we hopped in the car and Hubby set his phone on the dash. I glanced at it and my jaw dropped. “What?” said Hubby, snatching the phone away.
“Did you write that?”
The screen read: “We should be in the car already, but the fucking bitch is “too sick.” I just want you to know it’s all her.”
He had sent that to his mother. I could not think of a bigger betrayal than this. Talking this way to my in-laws, implying that my illness was fake or not that bad, neglecting to account for all the sacrifices I had made to even go on this trip – my Dish, my main support, my everything had just said
“She’s not sick. She’s just selfish.”
Spoonies, I don’t have much advice for you right now. What are you supposed to do when your dish turns against you? Refuses understanding? Does not support you? Invites other loved ones to turn from you as well?
Does ANYBODY believe that I’m sick??
I was considering giving my Doctor an emergency call at home just to talk. Just to say “Tell me I’m sick! Tell me it’s true! I’m sick and no one can see it except YOU, and that’s only because you cut me open and looked around.” Gah, I wish I really did have a zipper on my belly so every now and then I could just SHOW people because otherwise they JUST DON’T GET IT.
Uh oh. My “too much caps lock” alarm is going off. I’m getting in to an emo-y rant aren’t I? Oy. How juvenile.
People say “be careful what you say online.” I agree that one’s personal life does not belong on the internet. But I wrote this for two reasons:
1. If you’re sick, you should know that this will happen. Someone you love a lot will not understand your illness. You need to be ready to deal with that. Don’t make one person your whole support base like I did. No one is perfect. At some point, they will disappoint you.
2. Aside from my Dish, this blog is my support base. I just needed to talk about it with you. I know, this is a blog, it can’t be your go-to support base, but I’m learning from this experience. I’m going to start opening up to other people, and carving out a bigger, more solid support base for myself so that I don’t have to run to the internet like a scorned 13-year-old.
But thanks for being there for me.