I ended my last post on an optimistic note, saying that I was about to go to the dentist and get my off-topic tooth issue resolved so I could enjoy my birthday and go back to blogging about invisible illness. Well, it turns out, “exact science is not an exact science,” as David Bowie playing Tesla would say.
Now, in my last post I also mentioned that I was told repeatedly by my dentist that I would be feeling better in 24 hours or so, and of course, after 168 hours of not feeling better, I was told that after my appointment, I would really, actually feel better in 24 hours. I totally bought that, but I bet some of my keen readers had their doubts. Heck, after I typed it out a few times it was beginning to sound pretty fishy. But I thought surely if we drilled into the tooth and did a bunch of science I really would feel better. After all, dentistry is actually an exact science!
Long story short, I did not feel better in 24 hours and I do not feel better now. Well…okay, I do feel “better,” in the sense that I’m not immobilized by pain and I can eat food again, but I was kinda expecting to not have ANY pain anymore, and I was definitely expecting the walnut-sized lump on my face to be gone. But don’t worry too much. After my appointment I was numb for a few hours and I had a very enjoyable birthday. Then after my birthday I started hurting and swelling up again.
Anyway, I actually am blogging on subject starting now. Since Friday, my face has been hurting (with my endometriosis pain making a few appearances as well) and I have been overcome with a kind-of-seems-irrational depression. I’m beginning to remember how I felt when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis, a disease with so little awareness that even spell-check doesn’t recognize it. I didn’t know why I hurt all the time. I was young and healthy. I never did drugs or wrecked cars or went bungee-jumping. I worked out, ate well, and was cute and clever. How could I be incurably sick? Why would I be born this way? It honestly seemed like no one else just popped on to planet earth with incurable diseases. But I know people do. People do — but not me!
Obviously, this tooth thing is temporary. It worse comes to worst I can pull that sucker out. And I only have to wait until Wednesday, when I’m going back in and we’re going to make it all better (I KNOW, I shouldn’t believe it but I do! Dentistry is an exact science!!!). And even if it isn’t all better by Wednesday, it’s going to eventually be better. But endo isn’t.
((Side note: actually, there is a slight chance of curing endo, but it involves a lot of ifs and magic. AKA not an exact science. But that’s a blog post for another time.))
So I keep bursting into tears over this tooth. It hurts and it won’t stop hurting. But I kind of know I’m not crying about that dumb tooth. I’m crying like I did three years ago. It’s like being diagnosed all over again. It seems like I just hurt all the time. And I’m going to hurt all the time. And that’s my life now. It’s really mysterious and unfair, but there’s nothing to be done.
This morning, I had absolutely no drive at all to get out of bed. I wanted to crawl deeper under the covers and wait for Wednesday. I just want to sleep and cry and be left alone until I get better.
But we don’t do that, do we? The world won’t wait. School and work, friends and family, errands and hobbies, they will go on without you. We who are sick and not getting well, we must get up. We must swallow some pills, grit our teeth, and bear it.
I don’t want to write a blog post. I don’t want to get up and go to class in half an hour. I shouldn’t have to do anything I don’t want to if I’m sick.
But I do. We do. Rarely do we have someone holding us up, telling us we can do it. Rarely is anyone standing over our bed, telling us we must not give up. Rarely does anyone notice that it’s hard.
But guys….You must not give up.
There. Someone said it.
Now keep saying it.